i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I stole a fireplace last night.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm like, not good at living.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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