Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
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Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
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I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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