All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
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