Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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