My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
