In the future we'll all be gay
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
