Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
we're making bets on your personal life
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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