I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
