Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
