Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He felt like a one man threesome
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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