I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
