Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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