it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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