This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
