Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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