I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
