We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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