my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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