you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
