I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
