I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
