Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He shit in the fireplace
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
