I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
