I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
