come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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