guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
