She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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