I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I want her autograph on my taint
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
