No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Houston, we have a blender
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
