my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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