I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
