apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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