There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
