At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
