Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
