Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
