the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
