I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
