Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
