DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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