the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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