Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
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No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
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When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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