I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
