I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Someone came in the potted fern
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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