If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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