Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
