i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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