My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
