lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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