I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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