dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
