I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
the day after is always just damage control
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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