If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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