omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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